I have been reading through my old journals, especially ones written during crucial points of change in my life. Reading through a specific year that was the beginning of personal overhaul and discovery, 2008. The beginning of 2008 I wrote,
"Following the unbeaten path, there is no turning back, there is no turning back.
I am walking on unfamiliar ground; it is dark; it is heavy, but it will be lovely.
I miss your voice, your touch, your face but I will trust You."
It has been 2 years since I wrote this, 2 years of complete adventure into the unknown, 2 years of cutting off all that has become familiar and pressing on deeper into the unknown places. I have experienced a richness of healing and transformation and have come to learn how to discover truth and to find intimacy. It comes out of a willingness to venture into darkness; only dark because of my own lack of understanding or experience. As well as I learn to let go of control and pride I become completely dependent on God and in that discover a greater inner strength than I thought was there. It is in the vulnerability in being cut off from what is familiar that we discover our character and develop endurance.
In this place; a jungle so to speak, I have faced my greatest fear; myself. The fear that I will not measure up, that I will not be god enough. I have seen my greatest personal deprivation; have been faced with a vastness of insecurities and pain and had discovered my inability to be real with myself let alone the rest of the world. Yet one of the most beautiful things is that in our uniqueness and rawness; when we are real is the place we have the ability to empower others the most.
January 29th I pondered on relationship and questioned my lack of ability to relate. love vs faithfulness; two things that are combined that I thought had to be different. I only recently discovered my belief that "they were impossible to be together" from remembering my past experience growing up with a warped idea of what love looked like. Everything intimate in my life I compared to the relationships that hurt me and if any of my relationships looked like this I would run. I had to have something different. What I finally came down to was this; "love out of fear is quick to jump, to run but love out of confidence is able to honor and take it's sweet time." There is no rush, I can stop being afraid of attracting the pain because I am finally separated from it. This has only taken place in this jungle season in my willingness to let go of all that was familiar. Because even though it was hurting me, it was strangely comforting me because it was familiar. Which leads me to this: learn to let go of security and step into unfamiliarity, in this place you will be set free of all that is familiar that has ensnared you since the beginning of your time and you will learn to depend completely on God. It is fear that binds us to fear, but without fear the root of most all things has nothing to be bound to.
So I have learned that in my pursuit after understanding and truth and my desire to understand intimacy I was running from it. Yet through it all was directed right into it as I learned to let go. So it is time in 2010 to turn over a new leaf. To say goodbye to the old in all its intensity and depth and say hello to the new. It is time to be free from all others expectations and to enjoy life.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Music Moves My Soul
Music moves my soul as I process this period of my life that is in shambles. I am rediscovering my self; purpose and passion combined with the adventure of day to day life. I picked up guitar while in Africa, a desire of mine since I was young. Finally with time and distance from distraction I am in the place to learn and to become introverted; to get to that place of creative flow and to stay there for a while. Taking these moments to go deep into my heart and soul and discovering the truth and lies that have made up who I am. This searching has been part of the cause and distress of feeling like my life is in pieces. But the beauty of taking time to get to know myself has been both healing and invigorating.
My current favorites are a lot of old world meets new world blues, jazz and swing. I think it happens to go with my desire to go "back to the foundation" to simplify and purify myself from so much of the worlds chaos and toxic organizations. I am stepping into a place that is very unknown, stepping out of what has always been fed to me and what has always been"right" and exploring the territory that I stand in. Seeing many new truths as well much deception that has brought fourth serious confusion in my life I am detoxing on many levels.
I had this idea that was extreme but here it is: listening to only instrumental, eating only what is raw and pure and cutting out unhealthy relationships as well as addictions and habits and reading only the pure word of God with out mans ideas, theologies or revelations. I would like to see how my mind would be moved and shaped with out the manipulation of politics, entertainment and personal stress from striving. It would be interesting wouldn't it...but could I actually do it and for how long?
A while back I read two books by C.S. Lewis that have inspired me to view things differently. The first one is called "The Great Divorce" one particular thought that I pulled from that book is, we are all created in the image of God, we are all created with one purpose, to love God and to Love people. The other that I pulled is, How can we judge another persons life by their actions..only God knows the intentions of the heart. All that has made me realize at an entirely new level...God loves all people, there is no people group that is better, no organization that is the best and no way of life that is perfect. The other book is called "The Pilgrims Regress" I am still processing this one, there are so many levels rich in insight. But the most exciting and interesting thing I have taken from this book is the idea that we could be chasing something our entire lives that looks to be what we want but in the end we see that what we really wanted had been with us the entire time. It is amazing the trails of life that we pave in search of what is right and how often in those times we end up back in the same place we started, once again yearning for truth and desiring..well, desire.
"Often times in our pursuit for desire we forget the original desire that we were pursuing." -C.S.Lewis
we are a funny culture totally submersed in individuality, desire and independence, yet we run ourselves in circles to death....
purify us and simplify us Lord, that we would once again see the truth that is only found in You.
My current favorites are a lot of old world meets new world blues, jazz and swing. I think it happens to go with my desire to go "back to the foundation" to simplify and purify myself from so much of the worlds chaos and toxic organizations. I am stepping into a place that is very unknown, stepping out of what has always been fed to me and what has always been"right" and exploring the territory that I stand in. Seeing many new truths as well much deception that has brought fourth serious confusion in my life I am detoxing on many levels.
I had this idea that was extreme but here it is: listening to only instrumental, eating only what is raw and pure and cutting out unhealthy relationships as well as addictions and habits and reading only the pure word of God with out mans ideas, theologies or revelations. I would like to see how my mind would be moved and shaped with out the manipulation of politics, entertainment and personal stress from striving. It would be interesting wouldn't it...but could I actually do it and for how long?
A while back I read two books by C.S. Lewis that have inspired me to view things differently. The first one is called "The Great Divorce" one particular thought that I pulled from that book is, we are all created in the image of God, we are all created with one purpose, to love God and to Love people. The other that I pulled is, How can we judge another persons life by their actions..only God knows the intentions of the heart. All that has made me realize at an entirely new level...God loves all people, there is no people group that is better, no organization that is the best and no way of life that is perfect. The other book is called "The Pilgrims Regress" I am still processing this one, there are so many levels rich in insight. But the most exciting and interesting thing I have taken from this book is the idea that we could be chasing something our entire lives that looks to be what we want but in the end we see that what we really wanted had been with us the entire time. It is amazing the trails of life that we pave in search of what is right and how often in those times we end up back in the same place we started, once again yearning for truth and desiring..well, desire.
"Often times in our pursuit for desire we forget the original desire that we were pursuing." -C.S.Lewis
we are a funny culture totally submersed in individuality, desire and independence, yet we run ourselves in circles to death....
purify us and simplify us Lord, that we would once again see the truth that is only found in You.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A love so deep discovered in a place so unexpected.
Over the summer I had the opportunity to live in Mozambique, Africa for 3 months. I lived on the beautiful coast of the Indian ocean in a children's center called Arco Iris. As you can imagine there were always beautiful sounds of children laughing and playing; yelling in a language that I knew very little of. We had constant soccer games going, warm weather and constant sounds of music and drums. I was surrounded by colors and patterns unlike anything I have seen, Fashion so inspiring in it's modesty and beauty and so deeply intriguing in such a raw form.
I fell in love with this place; with these people and with this lifestyle. I am wrecked being back home and trying to adapt again to a high paced, superficial and independent lifestyle. Trying to be the way that I was; in my response to life and to people. I have found that I am much more real and much more straight forward. My eyes have seen something so pure and to come back and be constantly intoxicated by advertisements and the next "best thing" is exhausting. To be around people so lost in their surroundings that do not know who they are has overwhelmed me and also brought me face to face with my own character and shown me how little I know of myself.
While I was in Pemba, Mozambique I was taking missions classes. We were taught by missionaries all over the world, especially located in the region of Africa. We learned the extreme struggles as well as the incredible adventure and joy this lifestyle brings to your life. My emotions were all over the map with constant contradicting thoughts of; "I can't do this.."I don't want to do this, it's so tiring" and "this is what I was created for." In the end I finally realized missions is a lifestyle able to be lived any place you are in the world. I grew so much in myself and in the Lord over those three months. I was faced with pains from my own life when looking into the eyes of the hundreds of children I was with daily. I thought I was going there to help them, But in reality I went there and the Africans brought fourth healing and revived my spirit. While in a place of such poverty I was faced with the deep amount of poverty in my soul. Although the African people I was with live in a poverty that is extremely visible to the eye, the biggest thing that shocked me was to find the greater poverty in myself and the western world, the poverty that is hidden; therefor so much more dangerous. We do not realize our deep needs but God does.
I have never known a people so open and loving from the moment they meet you, I felt like part of their family while living on the base. We are family, out of the same place, .."no longer orphans but sons and daughters of the most high King." It is a beautiful thing to realize you are nothing with out God, that you could die if He does not show up. For the first time in my life I was completely dependent on God. I was faced with my deep need for Him and it was the most incredible discovery I have made. To experience such vulnerability and deprivation has opened my eyes to see that truly we are all the same. We are all made in the image of God, destined to know him, to love Him and to love each other; some just choose not and others have yet to hear.
I miss the color, I miss the beauty, I miss the lifestyle of community and dependency, I miss the music, I miss the culture, I miss the babies I fell in love with, I miss the little shacks, the terrible food, the smell of ocean and the sound of Makua and Portuguese. I am changed because Arco Iris opened their gates to me, I am changed because Africa allowed me to experience life in the midst of such death.
As you can imagine I have questioned a lot since being home. I have been simplified and have learned of the Lords deep love for me even in the complete darkness of my own soul. I am humbled but so loved in this place. I feel alive for the first time.
I fell in love with this place; with these people and with this lifestyle. I am wrecked being back home and trying to adapt again to a high paced, superficial and independent lifestyle. Trying to be the way that I was; in my response to life and to people. I have found that I am much more real and much more straight forward. My eyes have seen something so pure and to come back and be constantly intoxicated by advertisements and the next "best thing" is exhausting. To be around people so lost in their surroundings that do not know who they are has overwhelmed me and also brought me face to face with my own character and shown me how little I know of myself.
While I was in Pemba, Mozambique I was taking missions classes. We were taught by missionaries all over the world, especially located in the region of Africa. We learned the extreme struggles as well as the incredible adventure and joy this lifestyle brings to your life. My emotions were all over the map with constant contradicting thoughts of; "I can't do this.."I don't want to do this, it's so tiring" and "this is what I was created for." In the end I finally realized missions is a lifestyle able to be lived any place you are in the world. I grew so much in myself and in the Lord over those three months. I was faced with pains from my own life when looking into the eyes of the hundreds of children I was with daily. I thought I was going there to help them, But in reality I went there and the Africans brought fourth healing and revived my spirit. While in a place of such poverty I was faced with the deep amount of poverty in my soul. Although the African people I was with live in a poverty that is extremely visible to the eye, the biggest thing that shocked me was to find the greater poverty in myself and the western world, the poverty that is hidden; therefor so much more dangerous. We do not realize our deep needs but God does.
I have never known a people so open and loving from the moment they meet you, I felt like part of their family while living on the base. We are family, out of the same place, .."no longer orphans but sons and daughters of the most high King." It is a beautiful thing to realize you are nothing with out God, that you could die if He does not show up. For the first time in my life I was completely dependent on God. I was faced with my deep need for Him and it was the most incredible discovery I have made. To experience such vulnerability and deprivation has opened my eyes to see that truly we are all the same. We are all made in the image of God, destined to know him, to love Him and to love each other; some just choose not and others have yet to hear.
I miss the color, I miss the beauty, I miss the lifestyle of community and dependency, I miss the music, I miss the culture, I miss the babies I fell in love with, I miss the little shacks, the terrible food, the smell of ocean and the sound of Makua and Portuguese. I am changed because Arco Iris opened their gates to me, I am changed because Africa allowed me to experience life in the midst of such death.
As you can imagine I have questioned a lot since being home. I have been simplified and have learned of the Lords deep love for me even in the complete darkness of my own soul. I am humbled but so loved in this place. I feel alive for the first time.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Can we be Intimate lovers...
My life is beginning to take form; what once was a jumble of inconsistency and soluble ideas, dissolving at the first sign of insecurity and fear, has become a being filled with dreams beyond capability. I have grown to possess an insoluble confidence, which each has been created and destined to behold since the beginning of time. I am filled with peace beyond recognition which has stilled my mind and has set me free from my own self inflicted expectations. I have been released to live in a way that empowers others to live freely, lacking no good thing because of my willingness to open up the gates to my soul; which is my heart. The journey is the process of willingness to keep the gates open even in the midst of pain and fear.
We were created with hidden keys that unlock treasures in others. Yet we must learn to allow God to unlock our greatest source of treasure first; which is our hearts. We must have eyes to see and ears to hear that we might be directed to the treasures the Lord desires to reveal, it is part of our destiny to become revealers of beauty. As a bridegroom reveals himself, His gaze is entirely upon His bride who is revealed in a beauty that captivates Him. “Lift up your heads, O you gates! And be lifted up, you everlasting doors! And the King of glory shall come in.”ps. In a world that does not truly understand the meaning of intimacy, we are called to release others into a knowledge of what it means to be intimate with our God, with our family and with our friends. This kind of laid down, open love releases others into a freedom and comfort to open up their gates; allowing the doors that have shut their hearts to once again be opened to light, to life and to love, the source of which is all from our beautiful King of glory.
I am learning the depth of this word; intimacy, and the reality of the lack of knowledge the world truly has regarding intimacy. Do we love with transparency; naked so to speak, all masks down at the foot of the floor that we stand. Allowing the masks of insecurity, fear, control, doubt, success, pride, weakness, etc. lay on the ground before others to see who we really are beneath the words and clothes that we hide behind. Do we have the ability to see the beauty behind the masks of society, culture and differing beliefs; or are we to closed at the heart to let another in who may be different, who may cause us to grip “our image’s “even tighter than before.
If only we could learn to love intimately, to possess a heart that craves unity, that yearns to empower others. If only we truly understood what the bible meant when it said,” …the last shall be first and the first shall be last…” If only we understood what the bible meant when it said, “For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of the one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ. 1cor or even the idea that…“Now in the multitude of those who believed they were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common.”
It is interesting to me as I think back on my life and the firm grip I had on my possessions; truly out of my need to have control over myself and to protect my “image”. The entire time I was hiding my true feelings; which was a deep desire that consumed me to be set apart and individual, being like no other, yet in that place I was like every other. More than ever I have been thinking about how much I want and how unsatisfied I am at times; I want to learn to be possessed by the scriptures to the point that I am satisfied more in giving and pouring myself out. Lay up your treasure in heaven, for it is the only everlasting gift you can own.
We were created with hidden keys that unlock treasures in others. Yet we must learn to allow God to unlock our greatest source of treasure first; which is our hearts. We must have eyes to see and ears to hear that we might be directed to the treasures the Lord desires to reveal, it is part of our destiny to become revealers of beauty. As a bridegroom reveals himself, His gaze is entirely upon His bride who is revealed in a beauty that captivates Him. “Lift up your heads, O you gates! And be lifted up, you everlasting doors! And the King of glory shall come in.”ps. In a world that does not truly understand the meaning of intimacy, we are called to release others into a knowledge of what it means to be intimate with our God, with our family and with our friends. This kind of laid down, open love releases others into a freedom and comfort to open up their gates; allowing the doors that have shut their hearts to once again be opened to light, to life and to love, the source of which is all from our beautiful King of glory.
I am learning the depth of this word; intimacy, and the reality of the lack of knowledge the world truly has regarding intimacy. Do we love with transparency; naked so to speak, all masks down at the foot of the floor that we stand. Allowing the masks of insecurity, fear, control, doubt, success, pride, weakness, etc. lay on the ground before others to see who we really are beneath the words and clothes that we hide behind. Do we have the ability to see the beauty behind the masks of society, culture and differing beliefs; or are we to closed at the heart to let another in who may be different, who may cause us to grip “our image’s “even tighter than before.
If only we could learn to love intimately, to possess a heart that craves unity, that yearns to empower others. If only we truly understood what the bible meant when it said,” …the last shall be first and the first shall be last…” If only we understood what the bible meant when it said, “For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of the one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ. 1cor or even the idea that…“Now in the multitude of those who believed they were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common.”
It is interesting to me as I think back on my life and the firm grip I had on my possessions; truly out of my need to have control over myself and to protect my “image”. The entire time I was hiding my true feelings; which was a deep desire that consumed me to be set apart and individual, being like no other, yet in that place I was like every other. More than ever I have been thinking about how much I want and how unsatisfied I am at times; I want to learn to be possessed by the scriptures to the point that I am satisfied more in giving and pouring myself out. Lay up your treasure in heaven, for it is the only everlasting gift you can own.
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